Fixers vs. Feelers: Why Leaders Sometimes Struggle at Home
High performance at work doesn’t always translate at home.
Let’s be honest. Men and women are different. Not better or worse, just wired a bit differently. Research in cognitive neuroscience shows that, on average, men tend to engage more in problem-focused coping, while women often lean toward emotion-focused coping. Translation: men like to fix, women often prefer to feel through.
When I tell my husband about something that upset me, his brain goes into “mission control.” He listens. Really listens.. .but within seconds, he’s scanning for the optimal fix. And he’s brilliant at it.
Sounds familiar?
Many high-performing leaders operate exactly like that. Their days are a sequence of mini-crises. They make decisions fast, solve problems, move on. It’s what gets them promoted.
But then they go home. And the same quick-fire brain that crushes problems at work can sometimes backfire with a partner, friend, or their child. Sometimes people don’t want solutions. They want to feel seen.
It’s like Johnny Bravo who skipped leg day (now you know my age)—your brain’s empathy muscles can atrophy if you’re always working the problem-solving ones. Cognitive habits form neural shortcuts, so if 80% of your time is spent fixing, that becomes your default mode, even when it’s not what’s needed.
Sahil Bloom captures this beautifully in his concept of being Heard, Held, or Helped. Not every problem requires a fix. Some just need presence.
One of my clients constantly clashed with his partner because she never felt heard. He couldn’t understand why his perfectly engineered solutions weren’t appreciated.
Once I introduced the “Heard, Held, Helped” framework, things shifted. Now, before jumping in, he simply asks: “Do you want me to hear you, hold space for you, or help you solve it?”
Their relationship improved almost overnight.
So, next time your partner/friend/child comes to you with a problem, don’t rush to fix it.
Pause. Ask.
Sometimes, empathy is the solution.
